


Goodbyes and freckles

by moldymilk



Series: And freckles [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Anger, Feelings, Regret, Sequel, holy shit, i dont have a plan for this, john commited suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-04-15
Packaged: 2018-10-18 17:07:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10621344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moldymilk/pseuds/moldymilk
Summary: Sequel to Late night texting and freckles, needs to be read first.Basically everyone's reactions to the letter and john's suicide





	1. Peggy Schuyler

I had just woken up when I heard the news about John's suicide. I had no idea why. I was still hungover from the part the night before, so it didn't sink in until an hour later. 

 

I was brushing my teeth when it hit me. Tears formed in my eyes and I had no clue why, given that I didn't really give a shit about John. After all, he was the one standing in the way of Alexander Hamilton and I dating. I didn't care, so why was I crying? I texted Alex.

 

 

_**TO: ALEX** _

**P** **eggy** : Alexander johns gone

**Peggy** : we can date now

 

It was a full hour before he responded.

 

_**FROM: ALEX** _

**Alex** : Fucking christ Peggy, he died less than twelve hours ago. Do you even care that he died?

**Peggy:** I thought you didn't care about him

**Alex** : I do now, Peggy. I made a mistake. Now whatever we had, it's over. Goodbye.

_**you have been blocked from this number** _

 

Fuck. I knew he was mad, but why? We had talked about how much we hated John for hours on end, and now that John was gone, why wasn't he happy? I knew that he and John were dating, but wasn't it loveless? Why did he end what we had? Fuck, this was a lot.

 

It was already hard enough, but then John's suicide note was released to the public. There was a paragraph addressed to me. Fuck, what had I done? Had I caused this?

 

" _Peggy Schuyler: You were the first person I met in this god_ _for_ _saken_ _town. You were the first friendly face in the halls, one of the first people to actually be nice to me. You invited me to sit with you and your sisters at lunch, making me feel safe and welcome. But, you soon became cold and distant. You shut yourself off from me as soon as I met Alexander. You pretended to not like him, but you were having sex with him. My best friend fucked my boyfriend. So fuck you."_

 

While reading this, I could feel my heart beating louder in my chest. I had caused this. He knew about what happened between Alexander and I. He figured it all out. Now everyone knew what had happened. I wouldn't call myself one of his friends, much less his best friend, but I also wouldn't call Alex his boyfriend. My phone was flooded with texts.

 

 

_**FROM: CHARLES LEE** _

**Charles:**  stealing a homo's boyfriend? damn peggy i thought you were the innocent schuyler sister

 

**_FROM: HERCULES MULLIGAN_ **

**Hercules:**  did you really fucking do that

 

**_FROM: GILBERT_ **

**Gilbert:** alex is crying and im not sure if its because of john or not do you know whats going on

 

I didn't care about any of those texts, so I didn't bother responding. But one message lingered with me for the rest of the day, and beyond that. 

 

_**FROM:** **MARIA REYNOLDS** _

**Maria** : is it true you slept with alex? i thought we had something

 

I couldn't bring myself to respond. I had forgotten about Maria every time I saw Alex. Now the guilt I should've felt while sleeping with Alex was all flooding to me now, and it was too much. I thought I didn't care about Maria, but I do. I care a fuck ton about Maria Reynolds.

 

_**TO: MARIA REYNOLDS** _

**Peggy** : yes. i slept with alex. you and i had something. and i want that thing back.

**Maria** : You don't get to have what we had back. You lost it the minute you fucking slept with him, and then you come crawling back to me after a dead  _friend_ of yours revealed you to the world. You don't deserve forgiveness, especially not from me. Hell, you don't even deserve pity. Fuck you, Margarita. 

_**you have been blocked from this number** _

 

I fucked up more than I thought I had. I lost both of my romantic interests in one fucking day. At least I still have my sisters, right?

 


	2. Alexander Hamilton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi im really sad and would appreciate if you guys checked out my tumblr mydearestham.tumblr.com thnak

I was eating dinner with my dad when I heard the news.

 

"Alexander, have you heard the news about John Laurens?"

 

Fuck, everything about the last night came flooding back to me. Sleeping with Peggy, John getting mad and leaving the party, meeting John at the park. He had seemed distant, like he didn't care about anything anymore.

 

"No, I haven't"

 

"He committed suicide last night. They're releasing his note later today."

 

My world shattered. I thought I didn't care about him, but here I was, regretting not stopping him. He had meant to much to me, yet I was blind to my own feelings. What had I done?

 

"Son, are you alright?"

 

"I need some space"

 

I ran into the kitchen. My brain decided to play every memory of him while I was sliding down the cabinets. I remembered how I had gotten in a fight with Thomas Jefferson and that was why I had met him in the principal's office. I remembered trying to meet him in the library after school the next day, only to get in another fight with Thomas. I remembered finally meeting him in the library, I remembered kissing him in the library. We had gone to Starbucks afterwards. I remembered staying up all night texting him and thinking about him. I remembered watching Scream and cuddling into his side. I remembered how fucking nervous I was to tell him how I felt. I remember becoming his boyfriend in the exact spot I was sobbing in now. 

 

I remembered horrible things too. I remembered that I didn't feel guilty about sleeping with Peggy at all, I remembered getting tired of John.

 

Later that day, John's note was released. 

 

" _Alexander Hamilton: You really fucked me up._ _Badly_ _. So bad that you're the primary reason I'm doing this to myself. You were supposed to be my loving boyfriend, the one who was by my side no matter what. You lead me to believe you cared. But you don't at all. It would've been easier for you to break it off with me, but you stayed with me because you thought I am pathetic. Well fuck, I forgot I can't use present tense verbs anymore, since I'll be long gone by the time you read this. You lied about fucking Peggy, but I was there. I heard it all. I heard you saying how you wanted my ass out of the picture. So here I am, taking my ass out of the picture so you can be with my backstabbing whore best friend. Tell me, Alexander, is it worth it? Is it worth it to have caused one of your peers to take their own life because you were too selfish to tell them how you actually feel? Is it worth it to see it all laid out for you on paper, is it worth it? Everyone you know is going to end up seeing this. I hope it was fucking worth it. Take my art project as a last reminder of what you've done._  " 

 

The realization hit me like a truck. I was the reason John killed himself. Me. He had known about me and Peggy, that's why he was mad. I should've stopped him from leaving the park, I should've followed him home, I should've stopped all of this. I could've stopped all of this. John would be alive if it weren't for me. 

 

I didn't actually hate John. I loved him, but I didn't love Peggy. I knew what I had to do. She ended up texting me first. 

 

_**FROM: PEGGY** _

**P** **eggy** : Alexander johns gone

 **Peggy** : we can date now

 **Alex** : Fucking christ Peggy, he died less than twelve hours ago. Do you even care that he died?

 **Peggy:** I thought you didn't care about him

 **Alex** : I do now, Peggy. I made a mistake. Now whatever we had, it's over. Goodbye.

 

 

I blocked her. I cared about her now about as much as she cared about John. 

 

A week later, someone gave me John's art project. It was beautiful in every way. It was two boys at a park, both reading on a swinging bench. No one knew that it was us except John and I. This was the moment he had been talking about at the park. Why hadn't I remembered it? It had meant so much to him. 

 

I returned to school the Monday after I received John's art project. As soon as I walked through those doors, the realization hit me harder than five trucks. I would never see his face again. I would never see the masses of freckles on his face, I would never see his beautiful eyes. I would never see him again. He would never hold me again. I would never be able to tell him how I feel.

 

My dearest Laurens, if you can hear me at all, it wasn't worth it.

 

I miss you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im kinda debating not doing this series ??? idk i think i just need to write some happy shit


	3. sorry

I'm taking a break from this story for a while and I don't know if i'm coming back. 

 

I'm still going to be doing some oneshots so if you have any requests let me know :)


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